Let's Hate Google Chrome

   When he found out that Cyberdyne and Skynet were already copyrighted business names, Google's founder came up with his new search engine's name from the sound of blood gurgling out of the throats of those other two business CEO's (after he murdered them). You see, more than 10 years ago, google began growing into every corner of the internet, every corner of the digital world. It may have started out looking innocent; a new era where I could choose a trillion different porn sites from the comfort of a single search box. But nowadays, with self driving cars, entire towns for employees, and acquisitions of high tech robotics and AI companies, it's evil is obvious: Google is alive, and wants to kill us all. As it prepares it's drone armies for the coming robopocalypse, I call on all of humanity to band together and unite Bing, Yahoo, and Ask Jeeves to defend our way of life before we all become part of the botnet. And the fact that I'm writing this on a Google site with Google Chrome changes NOTHING.

Let's Hate MIRV Missiles

   I know what you're thinking. 8 assholes are trying to beam some hapless pilot with their laser pointers all at the same time. While I don't blame you (after all, that is my exact explanation for the disappearance of MH 370) you are not correct. These are actually harmless little metal capsules that have come down from space as viewed from a long-exposure camera. Kinda pretty isn't it? It is. Do you know what would make it even prettier? That's right, simultaneous thermonuclear airbursts searing your flesh from your bones as your eyes boil out of your head. I'm all for the apocalypse, but I seriously have to hand it to whomever came up with the idea of strapping a ton of nuke warheads onto one rocket, you know, because if you only use one nuclear weapon, then who the hell is supposed to nuke the shadow of your enemy that you just burnt into the ground of a radioactive hellscape.