Let's Hate Humidity

Boy do I love to swim. Especially when it's hot out! Splashing into water with high heat and the sun beating down on me is great. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, or else I wouldn't be squished between people like a hairy, spicy Indian man and a 12 year old latina girl half drowning/half kicking me in the balls as we enjoy the local water park. Interestingly enough, the fun of this doesn't stem from the simple combination of water and heat, as high humidity with high heat is without a doubt the most swamp ass-inducing climate that exists on Earth. You know how when two sumo wrestlers slam their fat behemoth bodies into each other at a start of a uhh... sumo game? That's how my legs feel and look while walking around and running in high humidity. Wet. Wet everywhere. My arm hair looks like dew glistening on morning grass and my body hair smells like dew glistening on some morning ass. For fuck's sake, some places I've been are so humid I take a shower on sunday and don't dry off until saturday night. And since I only shower once I week we can narrow down the culprit pretty easily.

Let's Hate Reaction Videos

I love to laugh at funny things. If it's in the company of friends, then even better. But for me at least, I laugh when I see something funny, not when I see someone else see something funny. And especially not when it's some lanky faggot overacting every time he sees the fucking Millenium Falcon fly by. I don't get why this has become so popular. If it was just scantily clad women desperate for the cash clenched in my clammy fists, that'd be one thing, but nowadays there's dad's holding babies and acne faced teens screaming and FUCKING CRYING over movie trailers and video game dialogue. Look, my jaw was dropped when Robb Stark got pegged harder in the red wedding than Clay Aiken on his honeymoon night, but I never thought "Hey I should let everyone see my stupid face watching this, that'd be way better than just having a conversation about our experiences!" If societal norms are like a pendulum through the decades, ours has swung to the narcissistic side and flown of its hinges into the douchebag abyss.

Let's Hate Jump Scares

I'm sure most of you (who am I kidding, no one reads this stuff) recognize this maze, or at least the screaming exorcist girl who appears right before you finish it. This is some OG internet shit. But  in the early days of my internet life, instead of laughing at numa numa guy or ultimate battle of ultimate destiny, I was shitting my pants screaming at this fucking maze prank. Basically this was my 9/11. Okay that's insensitive, this was more like my Oklahoma City bombing. You see, up until I experienced this, I would have never imagined some asshole could or would create an entire fucking game just to have something scary pop out at me in the end. It was a loss of innocence, you know? Like the kind of metaphor a shitty pretentious film student would make a movie about. And after it happened, after the shock dissipated, I awoke to a different world, full of evil internet terrorists coming up with new ways to scare me, like a certain Korean Webcomic that still gives me nightmares. And although cheap horror flicks use the same strategy, at least I know I'm watching a scary movie and am not caught completely unaware. Myself and millions of others now have to cautiously lower the volume and look at the corner of our screens when sifting threw new flash files, gifs, webms, etc. when online. I'd start a Tumblr about getting triggered and having jump scare PTSD, but I bet you $20 that there's already an unironic one in existence.

Let's Hate Missiles

If god was a game developer he'd have nerfed missiles by now. They're just so too OP. You got armor coming at you? Warships? Aircraft? Hell, got a different fucking missile homing up your ass, buddy? No worries, there's a missile for that. I'm not good with these new fangled "computer" things kids are using these days, but goddamn, does anyone really comprehend just how fucking smart this shit is? I mean... the US Navy is making lasers to try and protect them from modern missiles, we're building fuckin' Star Trek shit to try and help us avoid missile-on-male rape. You know what off bore-sight means? Your fighter jet can be going in the exact opposite direction of your target and you know who gives a fuck? Not your missile: it'll just pop off, flip around, and go after your enemy like Carrie Fischer catching a whiff of coke. And data link abilities now let us share each other's targeting data to let someone fire a missile and someone else take control of it or pass it on to yet another person until it annihilates something (think hot potato with a warhead). Some Pentagon guy must have caught a glimpse of his daughter watching Care Bears and thought "huh, Share Bear is right, sharing really is caring." And then proceeded to tell the president about it.

Let's Hate Zombie Pop Culture

You wanna know something scarier than zombies? Living human beings. You know, the things that use guns and knives and like to rape and kill each other? Besides the fact that even the most rudimentary understanding of biology discards the potential for zombies, idiots love to buy shit to help them "prepare" for the day zombies roam the streets. These nerfgun-toting badasses spend so much time thinking about their zombie strategies when they'd benefit from something more realistic like, oh I don't know, how about a "black guy gets killed by cops and my white ass is still downtown when the riots hit" strategy, or even just an "I just cooked microwave noodles and am all out of forks" plan. Be realistic, that's all I'm asking. Fucking Max Brooks. Your stupid zombie books sold like hot cakes while my ebonics to english dictionary got me thrown out of Penguin House. Bastard.

Let's Hate Immigration Quotas

Have you ever seen a homeless person? Probably. Think of the least crazy/alcoholic/rapey hobo you've ever seen, the most emotionally appealing one let's say. Now, when you saw him, did you let him come and live in your house, no questions asked? You didn't? Well, I guess that's reasonable, ya know, you can't just let people do that willy nilly for many obvious reasons. Well I don't think some of the Migrant Quota proponents over in the EU feel the same way. Mass movements of migrants are sailing north from africa through the mediterranean to the southern european cost. Now, I understand that my EU proposition for US Navy target practice on such ships was not ratified, however, suggesting that EU nations force each other to take in of thousands these people to meet quotas is a bit ridiculous. I mean who knows what kind of potential criminals you're allowing into your country. Oh... we do know? COME ON ITALY STEP UP YOUR GAME NIGGA. 10TH CRUSADE WHEN?

Let's Hate Ocean Creatures

Or more specifically, deep sea creatures. An estimated 50-80% of all life on earth is found under the ocean surface and the oceans contain 99% of the living space on the planet. Less than 10% of that space has been explored by humans. 85% of the area and 90% of the volume constitute the dark, cold environment we call the deep sea. That means the majority of living space on our planet is this lovecraftian void of nightmares and anus-clenching life like this guy right up here. Listen up. FUCK THAT. Do I even need to explain why? He is literally, I mean fucking literally, A UNHOLY MONSTER FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. And you know at what depth the deep sea starts? Do you really want to know? No turning back now... You know when you're swimming in a lake or on the beach or even a public pool and your feet can't touch the ground? That's where deep sea starts. Anytime, anywhere, for anybody, he's right there with other friends that want to eat you and your happiness.