Let's Hate Soda

Mmmmm, I love me some soda. It's so sweet and tangy and you gotta love that carbonation. Altogether that is. If you take a closer look at each part of soda logic begins to break down. You see, myself, like most people, hate flat soda. What this means is you hate the fucking taste of that soda. Because that's all you're tasting. Likewise, carbonated water is some sort of abomination that gives you a really nice burning sensation as a fuck you for being healthy. So what does all of this mean? It means that soda is a product that, when broken down, is a bunch of shitty stuff everybody hates. But combined it somehow tricks us into thinking it's delicious. It's like if I took a house fire and anthrax poisoning and combined them, they would turn into something wonderful. There is must be some sort of black magic happening down in the dungeons of Coca Cola because I cannot understand how much I despise the individual aspects of pop while loving the whole shabang. So fuck you soda, for not making any goddamned sense.

Let's Hate Anime Weirding Up Awesome Stories

Alright guess what these 3 plots have in common: 1: Thousands of people log in to a virtual reality server for a new MMORPG and get trapped in it, if they die in the game they die in real life, and the only way to get out is by winning the game. 2: A portal from our modern world into a Tolkein-esque fantasy realm opens up, and in minutes you have tanks blowing dragons out of the sky. 3: A pilot from a hyper-advanced human civilization crash lands on water world Earth, whose inhabitants were left behind centuries ago during an exodus to the stars. He proceeds to start fucking shit up with his future robot suit. Give up? All three of these have been A: daydreams of nerds everywhere and B: Anime series. Which wold be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that everything coming out of Japan now is weird-ass pedosexual shit. Stuff like Jin-Roh, Akira and Cowboy Bebop were great in their time, but holy fuck this stuff has gone way off the rails now. Incest, tentacles, and basketball sized tits are now taking the place of cool fucking stories I want to watch. If they don't wise up and fix this soon western developers will just keep stealing their shit like they did with Edge of Tomorrow. All I'm asking is keep the creative, original stories but stop adding in a fucking 12 year old girl in booty shorts humping her brother or a protagonist raping a fish. Actually, now that I'm actually writing this out, I'm thinking I'm the minority. This is what people want so that's why it's being added in to all these shows. Fuck, alright, it's up to me then. Now I just need to fix up the Enola Gay and I'll go settle this the American way.

Let's Hate Astrology

I'm gonna make an astrology reading for you: FOR FREE!!! So, when were you born? Okay got it, that makes sense. Are you a boy or a girl? Of course. Alright, so based on your astral data, I'm going to describe you as "someone who knows people", you like to eat food and drink water. You have emotions and I see you meeting someone new in your future. Boom, done, I'm an astrologer. But seriously, if I made that shit a bit more specific it would read just like a fucking horoscope. I don't get people who actually take this idiotic bullshit seriously. I understand how they see what they want in what they read, but why not just go full delusional and make up their own prophecies and shit? Do they really think that reading bullshit in a newspaper makes them any less crazy? I don't know, and I don't really care. If that's the only way the 40 year old over weight cat lady is gonna think she's still got a shot at getting married or leading a fulfilling life, so be it. There are worse things in the world. Like fucking gypsies. 

Let's Hate Proxy Wars (Yemen Edition)

Let's say I was mad at you, and you were mad at me. Like, to the point where we both want to fight each other. Now let's say I'm too pussy to take you on myself because I think you might hurt me, and you wanna try out some new kick on me but haven't ever tried it before. What do we do? We each go get a midget and have them battle it out instead, that way I don't get hurt and you can tell your midget to do that new move and see how it works. That's a proxy war (I'm not too good at metaphors). Since March, two major factions claiming to represent the "real" Yemeni government have been engulfed in a civil war. One side is back by the U.S. and Saudi Arabia while the other side is supported by Iran. Instead of duking it out in a good old-fashioned war of regional powers, we've all decided to turn Yemen into a battleground so none of us get booboos. Saudi air assets are bombing the shit out of Houthi areas, killing civilians and rebels alike. Iran has aligned with the Shi'ite Houthis and the battle line seems to be a sectarian one. So you know what that means: blah blah blah sectarian massacres, something something foreign jihadists coming in, yadda yadda suicide bombings. Oh well, it seems like the most productive thing that will be coming out of this war will be more liveleak videos of tanks getting #REKT.

Let's Hate Basic Income

You know what welfare is? You know, the system of public aid that began as a way to stop families from starving to death during the great depression and has evolved into making sure inner city stoop dwellers can buy the newest iphone without getting a job? Well, hip young kids that certainly aren't naive/arrogant about the realities of our world have just finished up their philosophy 101 class and are now rallying behind the idea of a basic income. Simply put, the idea calls for money to be distributed amongst the population to insure we all have money as more and more jobs become automated. While wannabe marxists are on social media shilling post-scarcity bullshit, the rest of the world is chugging along. While not working and eating burgers all day would be nice, the idea that technology is going to turn the human workforce obsolete is just this generation's Y2K. Humans are such narcissistic assholes that every generation thinks theirs is the most important, that they are undergoing a pivotal time and dramatic shift in human history. Nope. Sorry guys. I mean hell, we are still waiting for a nuclear war, I mean, we've been prepping for one for what? 70 something fucking years now? So stop talking about the goddamned singularity and go back to making my chocolate frappe, you zit faced, Che shirt-wearing, Karl Marx-reading redditor. 

Let's Hate Undeservedly Proud Parents

How many times at your workplace or family gatherings or your local homeless shelter have you heard parents (usually first time ones) go on and on about how smart and gifted their child is?  It's good to be proud of your children when they do something to be proud of, you know like cutting on the dotted line or getting more than 50% of their pee into the toilet. But some parents are proud of their children beyond justification. Like when I heard a mom brag "Muh bebe always latches right on me, he always eats like a gud boy!" Congratulations? Your baby isn't starving itself to death, hurray! Babies are cute and childbirth is incredible but have you ever seen something like a monkey give birth? That baby monkey pops out and starts climbing on it's mother and peeling bananas and shit. Now that is fucking awesome and his ape momma can be proud of that. On the other hand, humans literally give birth to a 2 pound lump of gray brain meat that is helpless inside what is basically just a squishy, flailing mech suit. And it just gets worse from there. Like first grader parents who are really fucking arrogant and demand their child read "smarter" books and practice more advanced arithmetic when in reality their little turds can't stop stabbing classmates with scissors, shitting their pants and eating glue.

Let's Hate Cute Baby Animals

Now, I know what you're thinking: I'm trying to be edgy and act like I don't love adorable little animals. Hell, writing this title made me cringe and question whether I was trying too hard. Well, I'm not. I don't hate little critters like kittens and puppies. We're not biologically capable of hating them. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. Think about it: they are too cute. A little kitten meowing up at you, a puppy trying to bark for the first time, those damned ASPCA commercials they film at Auschwitz for dogs... If you look at them, your heart melts, but so does your willpower. How long until someone weaponizes this fatal flaw in our programming? Imagine police cornering a robber, only for him to start throwing kittens and puppies out of a sack, cold and alone and in need of some warm milk. He'd escape faster than my bowels on Taco Bell Tuesday. I hesitate to go on in case ISIS or some other evil entity takes these ideas and puts them to work. So since we can't hate them, everyone just needs to buy google glasses and have them digitally replace these adorable little guys with other things we do hate, like spiders, food service workers, and that Man vs Food guy.