Now, I know what you're thinking: I'm trying to be edgy and act like I don't love adorable little animals. Hell, writing this title made me cringe and question whether I was trying too hard. Well, I'm not. I don't hate little critters like kittens and puppies. We're not biologically capable of hating them. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. Think about it: they are too cute. A little kitten meowing up at you, a puppy trying to bark for the first time, those damned ASPCA commercials they film at Auschwitz for dogs... If you look at them, your heart melts, but so does your willpower. How long until someone weaponizes this fatal flaw in our programming? Imagine police cornering a robber, only for him to start throwing kittens and puppies out of a sack, cold and alone and in need of some warm milk. He'd escape faster than my bowels on Taco Bell Tuesday. I hesitate to go on in case ISIS or some other evil entity takes these ideas and puts them to work. So since we can't hate them, everyone just needs to buy google glasses and have them digitally replace these adorable little guys with other things we do hate, like spiders, food service workers, and that Man vs Food guy.
No comments:
Post a Comment