Let's Hate Astrology

I'm gonna make an astrology reading for you: FOR FREE!!! So, when were you born? Okay got it, that makes sense. Are you a boy or a girl? Of course. Alright, so based on your astral data, I'm going to describe you as "someone who knows people", you like to eat food and drink water. You have emotions and I see you meeting someone new in your future. Boom, done, I'm an astrologer. But seriously, if I made that shit a bit more specific it would read just like a fucking horoscope. I don't get people who actually take this idiotic bullshit seriously. I understand how they see what they want in what they read, but why not just go full delusional and make up their own prophecies and shit? Do they really think that reading bullshit in a newspaper makes them any less crazy? I don't know, and I don't really care. If that's the only way the 40 year old over weight cat lady is gonna think she's still got a shot at getting married or leading a fulfilling life, so be it. There are worse things in the world. Like fucking gypsies. 

Let's Hate Proxy Wars (Yemen Edition)

Let's say I was mad at you, and you were mad at me. Like, to the point where we both want to fight each other. Now let's say I'm too pussy to take you on myself because I think you might hurt me, and you wanna try out some new kick on me but haven't ever tried it before. What do we do? We each go get a midget and have them battle it out instead, that way I don't get hurt and you can tell your midget to do that new move and see how it works. That's a proxy war (I'm not too good at metaphors). Since March, two major factions claiming to represent the "real" Yemeni government have been engulfed in a civil war. One side is back by the U.S. and Saudi Arabia while the other side is supported by Iran. Instead of duking it out in a good old-fashioned war of regional powers, we've all decided to turn Yemen into a battleground so none of us get booboos. Saudi air assets are bombing the shit out of Houthi areas, killing civilians and rebels alike. Iran has aligned with the Shi'ite Houthis and the battle line seems to be a sectarian one. So you know what that means: blah blah blah sectarian massacres, something something foreign jihadists coming in, yadda yadda suicide bombings. Oh well, it seems like the most productive thing that will be coming out of this war will be more liveleak videos of tanks getting #REKT.

Let's Hate Basic Income

You know what welfare is? You know, the system of public aid that began as a way to stop families from starving to death during the great depression and has evolved into making sure inner city stoop dwellers can buy the newest iphone without getting a job? Well, hip young kids that certainly aren't naive/arrogant about the realities of our world have just finished up their philosophy 101 class and are now rallying behind the idea of a basic income. Simply put, the idea calls for money to be distributed amongst the population to insure we all have money as more and more jobs become automated. While wannabe marxists are on social media shilling post-scarcity bullshit, the rest of the world is chugging along. While not working and eating burgers all day would be nice, the idea that technology is going to turn the human workforce obsolete is just this generation's Y2K. Humans are such narcissistic assholes that every generation thinks theirs is the most important, that they are undergoing a pivotal time and dramatic shift in human history. Nope. Sorry guys. I mean hell, we are still waiting for a nuclear war, I mean, we've been prepping for one for what? 70 something fucking years now? So stop talking about the goddamned singularity and go back to making my chocolate frappe, you zit faced, Che shirt-wearing, Karl Marx-reading redditor. 

Let's Hate Undeservedly Proud Parents

How many times at your workplace or family gatherings or your local homeless shelter have you heard parents (usually first time ones) go on and on about how smart and gifted their child is?  It's good to be proud of your children when they do something to be proud of, you know like cutting on the dotted line or getting more than 50% of their pee into the toilet. But some parents are proud of their children beyond justification. Like when I heard a mom brag "Muh bebe always latches right on me, he always eats like a gud boy!" Congratulations? Your baby isn't starving itself to death, hurray! Babies are cute and childbirth is incredible but have you ever seen something like a monkey give birth? That baby monkey pops out and starts climbing on it's mother and peeling bananas and shit. Now that is fucking awesome and his ape momma can be proud of that. On the other hand, humans literally give birth to a 2 pound lump of gray brain meat that is helpless inside what is basically just a squishy, flailing mech suit. And it just gets worse from there. Like first grader parents who are really fucking arrogant and demand their child read "smarter" books and practice more advanced arithmetic when in reality their little turds can't stop stabbing classmates with scissors, shitting their pants and eating glue.

Let's Hate Cute Baby Animals

Now, I know what you're thinking: I'm trying to be edgy and act like I don't love adorable little animals. Hell, writing this title made me cringe and question whether I was trying too hard. Well, I'm not. I don't hate little critters like kittens and puppies. We're not biologically capable of hating them. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. Think about it: they are too cute. A little kitten meowing up at you, a puppy trying to bark for the first time, those damned ASPCA commercials they film at Auschwitz for dogs... If you look at them, your heart melts, but so does your willpower. How long until someone weaponizes this fatal flaw in our programming? Imagine police cornering a robber, only for him to start throwing kittens and puppies out of a sack, cold and alone and in need of some warm milk. He'd escape faster than my bowels on Taco Bell Tuesday. I hesitate to go on in case ISIS or some other evil entity takes these ideas and puts them to work. So since we can't hate them, everyone just needs to buy google glasses and have them digitally replace these adorable little guys with other things we do hate, like spiders, food service workers, and that Man vs Food guy.

Let's Hate Bottled Water (And The Fucktards Who Buy It)

You know what's great about the Earth? We've got so much fucking water. Like, we've got more water than anything else. Everything else. Combined. Just sitting there. Yeah, most of it is salt water but desalination is easier and cheaper than making mcnuggets. And there's this crazy thing called the water cycle... Now, I'm not a third grader but I think the water cycle is this sort of "cycle" if you will, that means water is never used up entirely and just gets passed around in different forms. So water is pretty much something we'd never have to monetize as it intrinsically has no value due to universal abundance. I mean, I guess if I see a little malnourished Djibouti kid using bottled water I'd be okay with it, cause that place is fucked up. Like blood-diamond-tier fucked up, dude. But in normal U.S. suburbia? Where tap water runs clean and plentiful? That's some bullshit. The fact that we have water literally on fucking tap at all times yet buy bottles of it is both a testament to human cleverness and sheer stupidity. The fucking highschool hottie wearing Hollister sweats tucked into her Ugg boots who buys a VOSS everyday simultaneously represents the ability for mankind to make a buck off anything and the public's ability to throw away money on the stupidest shit imaginable. So if gambling is a tax on people who are bad at statistics, than bottled water is a tax on the Kardashian  sapiens subspecies slowly (d)evolving from homo sapiens.

Let's Hate Muscle Powder

MAD GAINS BOI. Gotta get those gains bro. Aight nigga this is how you get swole*. Step One: spend at least $60 on some sort of muscle powder (make sure it has a dank ass name like C4 or Nos). Step 2: Buy some pills and shit, don't worry about what's actually inside of them, just buy the biggest fucking logs of gel you can get your meaty hands on. Eat them constantly. Step 3: Buy Muscle Milk and mix in your extra powder (double your powder=double your gains) and to drink down those horse pills you've bought. Step 4: Buy a calendar and title each day "leg day", "cheat day", etc. Step 5: Go to the gym in a sleeveless shirt with torn sides and big sun glasses. Make sure your routine is at least 40% you taking selfies of yourself to let everyone know that you're at the gym. But don't forget, make sure you add a humbling comment like "looks like my hard work is finally paying off" or "leg day lol my legs are so sore :^D".

*Not exactly sure what that means