Let's Hate SJW Hypocrisy (Part I)

There are some hard truths in life. Personally, I've accepted that my tombstone will read something along the lines of "He died as he lived. Like a bitch." But some people don't want to accept reality, instead they pathetically attempt to move the metaphorical goal posts to better fit their narcism, especially when it involves confrontation. Look, men and women are different physically, I get that. Just like I don't hit a toddler for pissing me off during a tantrum or uppercut an old man complaining in line behind me at the deli, I'm not going to start shit when a women loses control of her emotions. But there is a line. When some smug liberal college girl comes stomping her hams at me during a protest and throws a slap or a punch, I'm going to understandably beat the shit out of her. And not just because I can't tell the creature's gender without closer inspection. I guess what I'm trying to say is that equality goes both ways. You want to come up and kick me in the balls? Fine, but I'm upper cutting your ovaries too. Same thing goes for the whole "more women in video game design and STEM fields" argument. Is the fucking gender ratio of coalminers, active duty soldiers, and garbage men fine? Or do these post modern activists not want those jobs? Nah, couldn't be that. Not at all.

Let's Hate Crybaby Shitbags (like Ellen Pao)

HEY PAO, FUCK YOU! When you're a narcissist deluded with your own reality, you're always going to be a the victim. It's crazy, but some people are just like that. No matter what happens. No goddamned matter what fucking happens. Like if you were to say, sleep with another partner of a multi-billion dollar company. Who is married. And then perform shitty work, get into fights with other employees and eventually get fired for being such a shithead. To your crazy ass, the real underlying problem is that you're a female and they just hate you for that. Despite them employing thousands of women with no other problems. In this situation you're only logical recourse is to of course sue for over a BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. And when the courts say your crazy and you lose, to desperately try and appeal it while saying "it's not about the money". But no. Nooo. She doesn't stop pissing me off there. Instead of living in a box behind a City Wok in NYC she's been taken in by the one of two* places that actually likes breeding this kind of immature, pathetic behavior and is now making the big bucks again at le Reddit xD. HEY PAO, FUCK YOU!

*The other one is Tumblr**, duh.

** #problematicproblems

Let's Hate Soda

Mmmmm, I love me some soda. It's so sweet and tangy and you gotta love that carbonation. Altogether that is. If you take a closer look at each part of soda logic begins to break down. You see, myself, like most people, hate flat soda. What this means is you hate the fucking taste of that soda. Because that's all you're tasting. Likewise, carbonated water is some sort of abomination that gives you a really nice burning sensation as a fuck you for being healthy. So what does all of this mean? It means that soda is a product that, when broken down, is a bunch of shitty stuff everybody hates. But combined it somehow tricks us into thinking it's delicious. It's like if I took a house fire and anthrax poisoning and combined them, they would turn into something wonderful. There is must be some sort of black magic happening down in the dungeons of Coca Cola because I cannot understand how much I despise the individual aspects of pop while loving the whole shabang. So fuck you soda, for not making any goddamned sense.

Let's Hate Anime Weirding Up Awesome Stories

Alright guess what these 3 plots have in common: 1: Thousands of people log in to a virtual reality server for a new MMORPG and get trapped in it, if they die in the game they die in real life, and the only way to get out is by winning the game. 2: A portal from our modern world into a Tolkein-esque fantasy realm opens up, and in minutes you have tanks blowing dragons out of the sky. 3: A pilot from a hyper-advanced human civilization crash lands on water world Earth, whose inhabitants were left behind centuries ago during an exodus to the stars. He proceeds to start fucking shit up with his future robot suit. Give up? All three of these have been A: daydreams of nerds everywhere and B: Anime series. Which wold be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that everything coming out of Japan now is weird-ass pedosexual shit. Stuff like Jin-Roh, Akira and Cowboy Bebop were great in their time, but holy fuck this stuff has gone way off the rails now. Incest, tentacles, and basketball sized tits are now taking the place of cool fucking stories I want to watch. If they don't wise up and fix this soon western developers will just keep stealing their shit like they did with Edge of Tomorrow. All I'm asking is keep the creative, original stories but stop adding in a fucking 12 year old girl in booty shorts humping her brother or a protagonist raping a fish. Actually, now that I'm actually writing this out, I'm thinking I'm the minority. This is what people want so that's why it's being added in to all these shows. Fuck, alright, it's up to me then. Now I just need to fix up the Enola Gay and I'll go settle this the American way.

Let's Hate Astrology

I'm gonna make an astrology reading for you: FOR FREE!!! So, when were you born? Okay got it, that makes sense. Are you a boy or a girl? Of course. Alright, so based on your astral data, I'm going to describe you as "someone who knows people", you like to eat food and drink water. You have emotions and I see you meeting someone new in your future. Boom, done, I'm an astrologer. But seriously, if I made that shit a bit more specific it would read just like a fucking horoscope. I don't get people who actually take this idiotic bullshit seriously. I understand how they see what they want in what they read, but why not just go full delusional and make up their own prophecies and shit? Do they really think that reading bullshit in a newspaper makes them any less crazy? I don't know, and I don't really care. If that's the only way the 40 year old over weight cat lady is gonna think she's still got a shot at getting married or leading a fulfilling life, so be it. There are worse things in the world. Like fucking gypsies. 

Let's Hate Proxy Wars (Yemen Edition)

Let's say I was mad at you, and you were mad at me. Like, to the point where we both want to fight each other. Now let's say I'm too pussy to take you on myself because I think you might hurt me, and you wanna try out some new kick on me but haven't ever tried it before. What do we do? We each go get a midget and have them battle it out instead, that way I don't get hurt and you can tell your midget to do that new move and see how it works. That's a proxy war (I'm not too good at metaphors). Since March, two major factions claiming to represent the "real" Yemeni government have been engulfed in a civil war. One side is back by the U.S. and Saudi Arabia while the other side is supported by Iran. Instead of duking it out in a good old-fashioned war of regional powers, we've all decided to turn Yemen into a battleground so none of us get booboos. Saudi air assets are bombing the shit out of Houthi areas, killing civilians and rebels alike. Iran has aligned with the Shi'ite Houthis and the battle line seems to be a sectarian one. So you know what that means: blah blah blah sectarian massacres, something something foreign jihadists coming in, yadda yadda suicide bombings. Oh well, it seems like the most productive thing that will be coming out of this war will be more liveleak videos of tanks getting #REKT.

Let's Hate Basic Income

You know what welfare is? You know, the system of public aid that began as a way to stop families from starving to death during the great depression and has evolved into making sure inner city stoop dwellers can buy the newest iphone without getting a job? Well, hip young kids that certainly aren't naive/arrogant about the realities of our world have just finished up their philosophy 101 class and are now rallying behind the idea of a basic income. Simply put, the idea calls for money to be distributed amongst the population to insure we all have money as more and more jobs become automated. While wannabe marxists are on social media shilling post-scarcity bullshit, the rest of the world is chugging along. While not working and eating burgers all day would be nice, the idea that technology is going to turn the human workforce obsolete is just this generation's Y2K. Humans are such narcissistic assholes that every generation thinks theirs is the most important, that they are undergoing a pivotal time and dramatic shift in human history. Nope. Sorry guys. I mean hell, we are still waiting for a nuclear war, I mean, we've been prepping for one for what? 70 something fucking years now? So stop talking about the goddamned singularity and go back to making my chocolate frappe, you zit faced, Che shirt-wearing, Karl Marx-reading redditor. 

Let's Hate Undeservedly Proud Parents

How many times at your workplace or family gatherings or your local homeless shelter have you heard parents (usually first time ones) go on and on about how smart and gifted their child is?  It's good to be proud of your children when they do something to be proud of, you know like cutting on the dotted line or getting more than 50% of their pee into the toilet. But some parents are proud of their children beyond justification. Like when I heard a mom brag "Muh bebe always latches right on me, he always eats like a gud boy!" Congratulations? Your baby isn't starving itself to death, hurray! Babies are cute and childbirth is incredible but have you ever seen something like a monkey give birth? That baby monkey pops out and starts climbing on it's mother and peeling bananas and shit. Now that is fucking awesome and his ape momma can be proud of that. On the other hand, humans literally give birth to a 2 pound lump of gray brain meat that is helpless inside what is basically just a squishy, flailing mech suit. And it just gets worse from there. Like first grader parents who are really fucking arrogant and demand their child read "smarter" books and practice more advanced arithmetic when in reality their little turds can't stop stabbing classmates with scissors, shitting their pants and eating glue.

Let's Hate Cute Baby Animals

Now, I know what you're thinking: I'm trying to be edgy and act like I don't love adorable little animals. Hell, writing this title made me cringe and question whether I was trying too hard. Well, I'm not. I don't hate little critters like kittens and puppies. We're not biologically capable of hating them. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. Think about it: they are too cute. A little kitten meowing up at you, a puppy trying to bark for the first time, those damned ASPCA commercials they film at Auschwitz for dogs... If you look at them, your heart melts, but so does your willpower. How long until someone weaponizes this fatal flaw in our programming? Imagine police cornering a robber, only for him to start throwing kittens and puppies out of a sack, cold and alone and in need of some warm milk. He'd escape faster than my bowels on Taco Bell Tuesday. I hesitate to go on in case ISIS or some other evil entity takes these ideas and puts them to work. So since we can't hate them, everyone just needs to buy google glasses and have them digitally replace these adorable little guys with other things we do hate, like spiders, food service workers, and that Man vs Food guy.

Let's Hate Bottled Water (And The Fucktards Who Buy It)

You know what's great about the Earth? We've got so much fucking water. Like, we've got more water than anything else. Everything else. Combined. Just sitting there. Yeah, most of it is salt water but desalination is easier and cheaper than making mcnuggets. And there's this crazy thing called the water cycle... Now, I'm not a third grader but I think the water cycle is this sort of "cycle" if you will, that means water is never used up entirely and just gets passed around in different forms. So water is pretty much something we'd never have to monetize as it intrinsically has no value due to universal abundance. I mean, I guess if I see a little malnourished Djibouti kid using bottled water I'd be okay with it, cause that place is fucked up. Like blood-diamond-tier fucked up, dude. But in normal U.S. suburbia? Where tap water runs clean and plentiful? That's some bullshit. The fact that we have water literally on fucking tap at all times yet buy bottles of it is both a testament to human cleverness and sheer stupidity. The fucking highschool hottie wearing Hollister sweats tucked into her Ugg boots who buys a VOSS everyday simultaneously represents the ability for mankind to make a buck off anything and the public's ability to throw away money on the stupidest shit imaginable. So if gambling is a tax on people who are bad at statistics, than bottled water is a tax on the Kardashian  sapiens subspecies slowly (d)evolving from homo sapiens.

Let's Hate Muscle Powder

MAD GAINS BOI. Gotta get those gains bro. Aight nigga this is how you get swole*. Step One: spend at least $60 on some sort of muscle powder (make sure it has a dank ass name like C4 or Nos). Step 2: Buy some pills and shit, don't worry about what's actually inside of them, just buy the biggest fucking logs of gel you can get your meaty hands on. Eat them constantly. Step 3: Buy Muscle Milk and mix in your extra powder (double your powder=double your gains) and to drink down those horse pills you've bought. Step 4: Buy a calendar and title each day "leg day", "cheat day", etc. Step 5: Go to the gym in a sleeveless shirt with torn sides and big sun glasses. Make sure your routine is at least 40% you taking selfies of yourself to let everyone know that you're at the gym. But don't forget, make sure you add a humbling comment like "looks like my hard work is finally paying off" or "leg day lol my legs are so sore :^D".

*Not exactly sure what that means

Let's Hate Humidity

Boy do I love to swim. Especially when it's hot out! Splashing into water with high heat and the sun beating down on me is great. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, or else I wouldn't be squished between people like a hairy, spicy Indian man and a 12 year old latina girl half drowning/half kicking me in the balls as we enjoy the local water park. Interestingly enough, the fun of this doesn't stem from the simple combination of water and heat, as high humidity with high heat is without a doubt the most swamp ass-inducing climate that exists on Earth. You know how when two sumo wrestlers slam their fat behemoth bodies into each other at a start of a uhh... sumo game? That's how my legs feel and look while walking around and running in high humidity. Wet. Wet everywhere. My arm hair looks like dew glistening on morning grass and my body hair smells like dew glistening on some morning ass. For fuck's sake, some places I've been are so humid I take a shower on sunday and don't dry off until saturday night. And since I only shower once I week we can narrow down the culprit pretty easily.

Let's Hate Reaction Videos

I love to laugh at funny things. If it's in the company of friends, then even better. But for me at least, I laugh when I see something funny, not when I see someone else see something funny. And especially not when it's some lanky faggot overacting every time he sees the fucking Millenium Falcon fly by. I don't get why this has become so popular. If it was just scantily clad women desperate for the cash clenched in my clammy fists, that'd be one thing, but nowadays there's dad's holding babies and acne faced teens screaming and FUCKING CRYING over movie trailers and video game dialogue. Look, my jaw was dropped when Robb Stark got pegged harder in the red wedding than Clay Aiken on his honeymoon night, but I never thought "Hey I should let everyone see my stupid face watching this, that'd be way better than just having a conversation about our experiences!" If societal norms are like a pendulum through the decades, ours has swung to the narcissistic side and flown of its hinges into the douchebag abyss.

Let's Hate Jump Scares

I'm sure most of you (who am I kidding, no one reads this stuff) recognize this maze, or at least the screaming exorcist girl who appears right before you finish it. This is some OG internet shit. But  in the early days of my internet life, instead of laughing at numa numa guy or ultimate battle of ultimate destiny, I was shitting my pants screaming at this fucking maze prank. Basically this was my 9/11. Okay that's insensitive, this was more like my Oklahoma City bombing. You see, up until I experienced this, I would have never imagined some asshole could or would create an entire fucking game just to have something scary pop out at me in the end. It was a loss of innocence, you know? Like the kind of metaphor a shitty pretentious film student would make a movie about. And after it happened, after the shock dissipated, I awoke to a different world, full of evil internet terrorists coming up with new ways to scare me, like a certain Korean Webcomic that still gives me nightmares. And although cheap horror flicks use the same strategy, at least I know I'm watching a scary movie and am not caught completely unaware. Myself and millions of others now have to cautiously lower the volume and look at the corner of our screens when sifting threw new flash files, gifs, webms, etc. when online. I'd start a Tumblr about getting triggered and having jump scare PTSD, but I bet you $20 that there's already an unironic one in existence.

Let's Hate Missiles

If god was a game developer he'd have nerfed missiles by now. They're just so too OP. You got armor coming at you? Warships? Aircraft? Hell, got a different fucking missile homing up your ass, buddy? No worries, there's a missile for that. I'm not good with these new fangled "computer" things kids are using these days, but goddamn, does anyone really comprehend just how fucking smart this shit is? I mean... the US Navy is making lasers to try and protect them from modern missiles, we're building fuckin' Star Trek shit to try and help us avoid missile-on-male rape. You know what off bore-sight means? Your fighter jet can be going in the exact opposite direction of your target and you know who gives a fuck? Not your missile: it'll just pop off, flip around, and go after your enemy like Carrie Fischer catching a whiff of coke. And data link abilities now let us share each other's targeting data to let someone fire a missile and someone else take control of it or pass it on to yet another person until it annihilates something (think hot potato with a warhead). Some Pentagon guy must have caught a glimpse of his daughter watching Care Bears and thought "huh, Share Bear is right, sharing really is caring." And then proceeded to tell the president about it.

Let's Hate Zombie Pop Culture

You wanna know something scarier than zombies? Living human beings. You know, the things that use guns and knives and like to rape and kill each other? Besides the fact that even the most rudimentary understanding of biology discards the potential for zombies, idiots love to buy shit to help them "prepare" for the day zombies roam the streets. These nerfgun-toting badasses spend so much time thinking about their zombie strategies when they'd benefit from something more realistic like, oh I don't know, how about a "black guy gets killed by cops and my white ass is still downtown when the riots hit" strategy, or even just an "I just cooked microwave noodles and am all out of forks" plan. Be realistic, that's all I'm asking. Fucking Max Brooks. Your stupid zombie books sold like hot cakes while my ebonics to english dictionary got me thrown out of Penguin House. Bastard.

Let's Hate Immigration Quotas

Have you ever seen a homeless person? Probably. Think of the least crazy/alcoholic/rapey hobo you've ever seen, the most emotionally appealing one let's say. Now, when you saw him, did you let him come and live in your house, no questions asked? You didn't? Well, I guess that's reasonable, ya know, you can't just let people do that willy nilly for many obvious reasons. Well I don't think some of the Migrant Quota proponents over in the EU feel the same way. Mass movements of migrants are sailing north from africa through the mediterranean to the southern european cost. Now, I understand that my EU proposition for US Navy target practice on such ships was not ratified, however, suggesting that EU nations force each other to take in of thousands these people to meet quotas is a bit ridiculous. I mean who knows what kind of potential criminals you're allowing into your country. Oh... we do know? COME ON ITALY STEP UP YOUR GAME NIGGA. 10TH CRUSADE WHEN?

Let's Hate Ocean Creatures

Or more specifically, deep sea creatures. An estimated 50-80% of all life on earth is found under the ocean surface and the oceans contain 99% of the living space on the planet. Less than 10% of that space has been explored by humans. 85% of the area and 90% of the volume constitute the dark, cold environment we call the deep sea. That means the majority of living space on our planet is this lovecraftian void of nightmares and anus-clenching life like this guy right up here. Listen up. FUCK THAT. Do I even need to explain why? He is literally, I mean fucking literally, A UNHOLY MONSTER FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. And you know at what depth the deep sea starts? Do you really want to know? No turning back now... You know when you're swimming in a lake or on the beach or even a public pool and your feet can't touch the ground? That's where deep sea starts. Anytime, anywhere, for anybody, he's right there with other friends that want to eat you and your happiness. 

Let's Hate People Not Bending the Knee

Some people just don't understand. They live their lives aimlessly, turning to vices like drugs and booze and not living their lives to their fullest. They have no motivation, no pride, no heart. Some men. But not this man. Not Stannis. The one true king, Stannis Baratheon, first of his name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Realm. He is not some man. He is Azor Ahai reborn, the lord of light and wielder of lightbringer, burner of heretics and conquerer of Westeros. This is a public reminder that if you have not bent your knee in fealty to our Lord Stannis, please do so now and spare you and your family the fate of feeding R'hllor, who always hungers. And to you USURPER FUCKING SHITS, he's coming for you whether your a Blackfyre bastard, R+L=fag, or just some dumb bitch dragon queen, you're all gonna burn.

Let's Hate Vaping

                     

Nah bro, I aint smoking, this is my VAPE HAHA. Way better than smoking brah, it's not bad for you like those cigarette sickos! Check out this sweet cloud *blows obnoxiously large cloud of smoke that smells like fruity perfume a 13 year old girl would wear* Just got this new tank, it carries so much ejuice, haha that's what we call the the shit we suck up into our lungs. All natural bruv! Just some fucking formaldehyde going directly into my bloodstream. Carcinogen? What's that bro!? Haha whatever, you're just jealous of my clouds man! They're so big because of my atomizer, it only cost me $400. Atomizer bro, it atomizes my ejuice. An atomizer bro, it uhhh, atomizes my stuff. Into atoms. You don't know what you're talking about dude, you're just jealous of these dank ass clouds boi! *inhales a prepubescent anal grease flavored cloud of poison gas*

Let's Hate China('s Fake Islands)

You ever play Civilization 5 and buy territory to expand fast around other player's land? You know where that jew-tier strategy doesn't work? The real world. China. China. China, listen here buddy. I know you think you're clever making tiny concrete islands, moving money desperately needed to develop your crumbling infrastructure and the medical system about 1 billion of your population doesn't have access to into a pathetic attempt at saber-rattling. But really, as a friend you need to get your shit together. Your pissing your neighbors off and now you've got the US Navy pivoting it's fleet towards your rinky dink targe - I mean your bases comrade, your grorious red bases. You're pulling some Lex Luthor shit. If you're going to refuse literally every other country's calls to stop then at least put some of your dead and dying children to use a la the great wall and sandbag those ocean parking lots with corpses, I'd hate for a typhoon to come and play Falling Sand. Damn, that was a fun game to kill half an hour with. Anyways, my point is you suck and we all hate you and this is going to end with you getting embarrassed, just like literally everything else you do.

Let's Hate Millennials (PART I)

I'm going to be honest for a minute. I don't know what a millennial is specifically; I like to think the defining criteria is a gray line that lets me lump in the young histrionic sluts, tumblr whales living in their world of denial and diet coke, gay trans gender queers wanting to crucify my cis white privileged cock (which I assure you is almost average-lengthed), and barristas. I hate all of you and so do most normal people. The 21st century has given all of you a voice through internet and a post-modern college campus mentality. STOP USING IT. Go outside and get made fun of and chosen last for kickball to remind you that you're shit. Because you are, just like the rest of us. Hiding in your online echo chambers with naive, thin-skinned liberals living in fantasy SJW land isn't going to help you find a job, then again getting a degree is lesbian studies isn't going to either you passive aggressive pussies. 

#problematicproblems

Let's Hate Google Chrome

   When he found out that Cyberdyne and Skynet were already copyrighted business names, Google's founder came up with his new search engine's name from the sound of blood gurgling out of the throats of those other two business CEO's (after he murdered them). You see, more than 10 years ago, google began growing into every corner of the internet, every corner of the digital world. It may have started out looking innocent; a new era where I could choose a trillion different porn sites from the comfort of a single search box. But nowadays, with self driving cars, entire towns for employees, and acquisitions of high tech robotics and AI companies, it's evil is obvious: Google is alive, and wants to kill us all. As it prepares it's drone armies for the coming robopocalypse, I call on all of humanity to band together and unite Bing, Yahoo, and Ask Jeeves to defend our way of life before we all become part of the botnet. And the fact that I'm writing this on a Google site with Google Chrome changes NOTHING.

Let's Hate MIRV Missiles

   I know what you're thinking. 8 assholes are trying to beam some hapless pilot with their laser pointers all at the same time. While I don't blame you (after all, that is my exact explanation for the disappearance of MH 370) you are not correct. These are actually harmless little metal capsules that have come down from space as viewed from a long-exposure camera. Kinda pretty isn't it? It is. Do you know what would make it even prettier? That's right, simultaneous thermonuclear airbursts searing your flesh from your bones as your eyes boil out of your head. I'm all for the apocalypse, but I seriously have to hand it to whomever came up with the idea of strapping a ton of nuke warheads onto one rocket, you know, because if you only use one nuclear weapon, then who the hell is supposed to nuke the shadow of your enemy that you just burnt into the ground of a radioactive hellscape.